I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
