in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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