it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
