all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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