alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
