I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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