If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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