She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Randomize
