I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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