a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
