omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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