Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
