my vag is so smooth its legendary
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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