my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think my vagina is haunted
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
