So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
