Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
