throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
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He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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