Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
