Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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