he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I need moral support for this bender
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
