So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
