I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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