Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
