now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I think I sprained my soul last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
