Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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