My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
