I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
