I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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