Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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