Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
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Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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