i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
