I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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