we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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