covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
