Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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