did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
