I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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