That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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