his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
