I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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