i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
