Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We need to get me chipped asap
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
