I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
