you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
