he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
