Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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