I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can't put those talents on a resume
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
