He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Randomize
