I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think i got beer on your cat.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
