Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
