Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
