I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
