1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
