Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
