im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
