A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
