That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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